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Movie Trailer Burnout

January 10, 2012 Leave a comment Go to comments

As a result of my (Presumptive) Oscar racing, I’ve been seeing a lot of theater movies lately. And one hazard of this—which I always forget—is that you are forced to sit through the same trailers over and over and over again. Sometimes I’ll see two or three movies in one day and each will be prefaced by the same trailers and advertisements.

Here’s what I’d be happy to never have to sit through again.

Trailer for A Dangerous Method – When is this movie coming out, for real? I feel like I’ve been seeing this trailer since the summer. Fassbender all nerded up as Jung. Keira Knightley screaming and throwing herself about and playing in the mud. Sexual perversion. Dramatic music. Vincent Cassel looking bushy-haired. Viggo Mortenson looking delightful as a cigar-chomping Freud. If I see this movie it will be 100% because Mortenson as Freud seems delightful.

Trailer for Albert Nobbs – Why does Glenn Close look like that? Why does she make such an ugly man? I find her literally abhorrent to look at. Janet McTeer, also in male drag, does not look so atrociously ugly. She’s kind of cute in a sporty kind of way. Also, this movie (as represented by the trailer) makes no sense. Why would “Albert” propose to a young woman? Does he/she think he/she can marry a woman and have her never be the wiser? WTF? Why would anybody want to see this movie? It better not get nominated for any Oscars. (It totally will.)

Interviews with the stars of Hugo – Ben Kingsley is funny and charming in his ten seconds, but that Chloe Moretz is insufferable, describing how she fooled everybody with her flawless British accent and that even “Marty” couldn’t tell. Shut up, Preteen McQueen.

Trailer for Shame – Fassbender again, mostly putting on nicely-cut coats and walking around on New York streets. Carey Mulligan in a bad wig. Fassbender walking around. Flashes of nakedness. Crying, dramatic music, Fassbender looking empty and alone. Trailer ultimately gives the impression that these are the only four minutes in the entire film that are not so full of nudity and sex that they are unfit for the trailer. Shame, the clean version: face coat singing New York emptiness done.

The music video for some country bumpkin’s cover of the Footloose theme – My exhaustion with this should be self-explanatory. But here is a short play to illustrate the amusement it offered at my viewing last night.

Footloose video begins.

Some guy, loud enough for the entire theater to hear: WHAT, THEY’RE REMAKING FOOTLOOSE NOW?

Everyone else in the theater: It already came out.

Same guy: AND IT’S GOT JENNIFER ANISTON IN IT?

Everyone else in the theater: That’s not Jennifer Aniston.

Same guy: ISN’T SHE GETTING A BIT LONG IN THE TOOTH FOR ROLES LIKE THAT?

Everyone else in the theater: It’s not Jennifer Aniston.

Close-up of Julianne Hough in the video.

Same guy: OH THAT’S NOT JENNIFER ANISTON. WHO IS SHE, SOME NOBODY?

Everyone else in the theater: [done talking to him]

Same guy: I BET NONE OF THEM EVEN DO THEIR OWN DANCING, IT’S ALL CGI THESE DAYS ANYHOW.

One person: Shut up, dude.

Video ends.

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